Im back.

It's been awhile since I posted an update from this blog. Actually, Ive longed forgotten I have this blog... 

It's refreshing to read how I poured what's in my mind and what I currently feel. I guess this is the universe way of telling me to go on and pour out what I feel through this blog. Because honestly, I am not alright. And I don't know why I cannot express it to people around me. Maybe because I was thinking that... they will never understand? or they will never listen? or they are busy with their own problems and struggles? or I just don't want to burden them with my negativity and petty feelings.

You know that feeling when you're surrounded with people yet you still feel alone?

And so you just wanna shut off and stay in your own world. 

Okay, this post will be all over the place because I just want to unload everything.

These thoughts and feelings has been inside me for awhile now. Ive been thinking of letting it out but for some reason I got so occupied and so I forgot to let it out. Ive been telling myself to go on write it on your blog but then I keep getting distracted with life's responsibilities and taking care of people around me.

Which makes me realize... 

When did I take care of myself? Since when did I take a break? 

Thats probably the reason why I cannot find the answer to the questions Ive keep on asking myself eversince 2024 entered....

What am I doing with my life? 

How do you love yourself?

Single Mom...

Just finished watching the movie Mom at Sixteen. The movie moved me... The movie teaches a lot about teenagers nowadays. About gestures, fashion and lust can lead to early pregnancies and struggles at an early age... I can never disagree to the movie... Coz its kinda been there done that.

I am a single a mom... Not at 16 but at 19. Not in highschool but a fresh diploma graduate without a stable job. I also had to choose between my mom and the guy who offered to elope with him because he is afraid to face my family. I choose mom amidst him telling me I will regret this decision in the future because they will forever slap this mistake to my face in the future.

From all the fear, confusion, hurt and struggle I felt that time. One thing I can say.... I made the right decision. It was all worth it. Choosing to stay with my mom over the father of my son was the turning point of my life and most rewarding decision I have ever made. Because everything was put in place after that. There might be setbacks and struggles but its nothing comparable from the fullfillment I felt right now.

The family eventually accepted and forgiven me. I was able to stand on my toe. I was able to provide for my son, my mom and extended family. And that guy (the father of my son) was already married to a single mom because he got her pregnant...

One thing I realize in the movie is that mom will always be mom to their daughter/son. In times of trouble they will always weight things from what is right or wrong but in the end their decision will always be influence by how they love us so much. And because they love us so much they make decisions that will in some ways hurt us or got us confuse. We may never understand why they do those things or make those decisions but all I know is eventually we will realize they are right. And that they are just thinking what is best for us... because they love us.

On the part of the movie when the young mom said "I cant give him up. I cant say goodbye." On the process of pregnancy and labor we may say, yes I can have the baby adopted because its for his own good... But after giving birth of the baby and see them on top of your belly crying. The feeling of love for your baby will make you stronger. It'll give you energy and strength to say I can do this.

Novels...

Im back!
Its been awhile since I posted some dramatic rants. The last one was just some quotes about how to fall inlove of which I just read somewhere online and before that it was a movie review turn out to be an emotional confession about my family.
Will this time im back because im confuse.. frustrated... sad... depressed... unlove
I just finished reading a novel which was popular on Wattpad.com and was published into a book. And just recently announce to be shown on movie theaters this coming August. I got so curious on the story that I didn't  wait for the movie and read ahead the 3 books; Talk Back and Your Dead and Never Talk Back To A Gangster Book 1 & 2. So I just finished reading the last book just now and even though it has a happy ending I was left depressed. I usually read local romance novels because it makes me laugh and shivers on the romantic encounters of the characters. Makes me imagine to be the heroine characters and imagines my prince charming would be like. I just dont know why this time the effect turns out to be different...After reading the book im supposed to be dreamy and inlove after.. but... this time it was different. I felt pain and hurt... Dont get me wrong while reading the book it made me laugh and kilig too... Timothy (the character) is so lovable even if his a snob and all eyes on his love interest, Samatha Miracle. Haiz...
When will I meet my own Timothy?
I cant wait for that day to happen. I know Timothy  in the book is a gangster but for me... he symbolizes true and genuine love of a man to a woman in his lifetime still exist. But... I guess what Sam has said in the book was right...I don't think may isa pang lalaki sa mundo na ito na katulad ni Timothy. He is.. one in a billion, and close to extinction. Haiz.
I just hope there's another one who survived on that extinction for me though...
I guess the novel just slap me with reality right after reading it. The reality... that until now Im still loveless... That until now I still crave on that feeling of being love genuinely.
Love...
Its complicated. Hard to explain... I always tell myself I dont need a man to feel it. But then... when I tried looking for it to family... friends It still got my thinking.. What is love? Because I still feel empty. Life is void. Its not dark but its just not... I dont know how to describe it actually. Nothing gives me peace now.
Justine.. I know I love him but seeing him growing up gives me pressure on how to emotionally and physically support him.
My mom... We were really never close. And even if try to break the wall between us to be my girl bestfriend but she's... well, she's hard.
Bestfriend... Wish I had one... Well, I use to have one but... well she... she's unreachable? (insert painful smile)
Close Friends... Friends... Well, I dont know... I have lots of them. But everytime I need one no one is there. Or should I say during times like this that I am emo or dramatic theres no one I can turn to. I have a crazy mood swings, and I guess nobody will get it. Though they have already seen that grumpy and crazy mood.

Nobody has ever read me behind the happy and grumpy face.
Im a party/crowd lover and yet a loner too...
I always find myself watching movie on cinemas alone, dining alone, window and/or shopping alone,spa alone and chilling alone...
This is the part where I tell myself Im a boring person.And I would love to meet someone who will understand this boring person.
Ahhhhhh this is crazy... this feeling is so crazzyyyyy!

Okay... I think im calm now.... my eyes has stopped crying now this only left with my nose overflowing...

A message to my future man... I hope you can tame this crazy person in me... and please dont let me go.

If by chance someone will read this. Im so sorry for wasting your time with my dramas..

How To Fall Inlove...

1. Find a complete stranger.
2. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
3. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.

New York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love. He asked his subjects to carry out the above 3 steps and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married.

Do you agree on this?

I'll Be There...

So I was watching some videos of Cloie, KC and Gabby Concepcion on YouTube until I found this movie trailer of I'll Be There which played by KC and Gabby Concepcion. It's a movie about family relationship, father and daughter relationship, a father irresponsibility and regrets. I wanted to watched it but thought I wont be ready watching this. Why? Because Im not ready. The movie it self plays the same as what my relationship with my father.

I never had a father growing up. We never had our moment. I dont know if he has been thinking and wondering how am I doing right now. I don't have any idea. I used to hate him a lot and never wants to forgive him if ever one day he ask for it... I have a lot of questions before that eventually turns into bitterness since the answers no where to be find.

But then again, age and time change me a lot... probably. Right now all I wanted is to see people that is related to me. Probably the curiosity of being with those people that I have never seen or be with melts down the bitterness as time goes by... Probably not all but a bit. Probably hate turns to curiosity... or I have grown and learn so much in life that hating them will be a senseless feeling to bear. Hoever whatever it is.... atleast I have that curiosity...
What would it be like to meet your father the second time around?
What would it be like to meet your half siblings the first time? 
What would it be like to be given a chance to spend quality time with them? 
Are they happy? Would they be happy?
Do they know I exist? 
Do they also think about me? 
Those are just few of the questions that come running in my mind since I was young. That after asking myself a gazillion times I finally gave up and no longer waist my time hating. I dont guarantee that I no longer have any angst on my father much like KC did with hers. But all I wanted now is to find answers and fill in that curiosity inside me. And until then, I'll watch this movie...